Roasted
by yellowsunx
Summary: A series of rants about each Wasabi Warrior in the eyes of none other than, Jerry Martinez.


Hey readers! I'm back with another story .. I know, I keep writing random fics. But, this one is sort of a new idea from me. Everyone can probably tell that I'm a huge Mateo Arias or Jerry Martinez fan and if you haven't noticed it yet - WELL I AM.

This idea for this story formulated in my brain out of the blue so I hope you all like it :)

This will only consist of four chapters - one for each character (excluding Rudy because I don't really know what to put for him).

Warning: These are **NOT** my actual thoughts of the characters .. it's merely written in the style that I think **JERRY** would say.

Enjoy.

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Swag, yo. You're actually going to let me rant about my fellow Wasabi Warriors? This is actually pretty exciting .. hm, who shall I pick first? I bet you _want_ me to pick Jack Anderson, don't you? Oh, sorry to burst your bubble but I'll save him for last.

Let's see... who shall I pick on first?

Ah, since I'm such a gentlemen - ladies go first. In my case, I only really know one girl that will actually talk to me.

_Kimberly Ann Crawford_.

Try saying her name with a Southern accent - pretty cool, eh?

Wait a second .. this won't be shown to her right? If so, warn me so I know when I need to protect myself from an ass-kicking.

Don't let her extremely girly-sounding name throw you off. She's extremely feisty and I don't mean this in the 'flirty' way. If you get on her nerves .. oh whew, good luck.

Not a good enough description?

FINE .. I guess I'll be more _descriptive_. Milton would be so proud of me for using an intelligent-sounding word like that .. but you'll hear more about him later on.

Kim Crawford.

It's almost one of those names that fit the description of the All-American Girl.

First glance at her and she'll have you down on your knees .. OH DON'T BE SO DIRTY-MINDED! It's a figure of speech, duh!

Sheesh.

Anyways, she's got the long blonde hair with natural brown streaks and roots. You know, the ones those wanna-be 'California style' girls go to the parlor to get. Yeah, she has them _au naturel_. THAT'S RIGHT - I know something in French. WOOO!

Kim hates being called Kimberly .. which I don't understand considering her actual name it Kimberly. That's like me wanting to be called Jer because I don't like Jerry. It doesn't make any sense but her excuse is always '_it's a girl's thing_'.

WHERE IS THIS STUPID LIST OF GIRL'S THINGS?

Because every time I open my mouth to ask something,_ that_ is the response I get! Might as well give me a list of non-offending statements to girls .. but I might not even read it so it'd probably be pointless.

This blonde haired girl hates being referred to as the _dumb blonde_ which makes sense because she's actually really smart. She's smarter than me but then again ... you know, I'm just going to leave it at that.

She's the complete opposite of what most of the girl's at my school are which is actually pretty cool. Those girls are wack, yo. They complain about everything except for this one girl who has the longest brown hair that's extremely soft once you touch -

Oh .. you don't care.

NEVER MIND.

DON'T NEED TO ROLL YOUR EYES!

Kim was the head cheerleader but her temper got the best of her and now she's at the bottom of the food chain. OKAY, maybe not the bottom-bottom. She's above Milton and Eddie for sure. JUST KIDDING ... or am I?

Okay - I bet you're all wondering what the _bad_ things of Kim Crawford are .. well here they are;

She has some pretty weird mood swings especially when she's, you know, on the _time of the month_. She'll go from bored to tired to happy to destructive to raging to mellow to sad to annoyed and finally to her usual sarcastic self. Yeah, that's her usually. SARCASM IN ALL IT'S GLORY. If they had a poster girl for sarcasm, you'd definitely see Kim Crawford posing on it. She is the definition of sarcasm. Yeah, you get the gist of it.

Hmm, what's another thing? OH! Kim Crawford loves to beat anybody up when they piss her off. I know this because she gets pissed at me all the time which I never understand...

KIM TALKS ABOUT HERSELF SO MUCH. She always comes to dojo practice in an angry mood because of the drama between her old cheerleading group and her. Then she lashes out on everyone but Jack. THEY SO WANT EACH OTHER. Don't tell her I told you though, she'll literally give me a concussion.

OH, you want me to get a concussion?

WELL, YOU SUCK.

I'm Jerry Martinez and your argument is invalid.

Yeah, so anyways, she'll always talk about herself and she'll try to get us to listen to her problems. WHY DON'T GIRLS EVER SHUT UP? Then, she continued to explain that girls like it when guys actually_ listen_ to them.

OH, SO THEY WANT US TO LISTEN ABOUT THEY'RE NEVER-ENDING PROBLEMS, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO ME - WHO FINALLY REACHED A NEW KILL STREAK .. OHH, SUDDENLY THAT RULE DOESN'T APPLY.

YEAH, well that's just rude.

Jerry Martinez is not amused.

OH, you don't like it when I refer to myself in third person.

COOL STORY BRO.

Last thing .. Kim is a horrible dancer. I can't even muster up enough strength to somewhat lie and say she's pretty good. SHE'S JUST SO BAD .. why am I so mean? HAVE YOU SEEN HER DANCE? I feel like my eyes will start bleeding. She actually tried to ask me to help her one time .. yeah, that worked out so well.

SARCASM.

BOOM.

I just used sarcasm! Kim would be so proud of me.

In conclusion, she's pretty cool once you get to really know her. She's almost like my younger sister. THAT'S RIGHT - SISTER. We all know she has the hots for Anderson. THEY'RE JUST IN DENIAL. Have you seen the way she glares at Donna when she comes over to talk to Jack?

Oh right, you don't go to my school.

Wait a second .. who are you?

WHY AM I TALK TO STRANGERS?

STRANGER DANGER!

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It's not really meant to be funny .. I just did this when I was bored.

What do you think? :)


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